on being american and other musings.

I often think of things that I want to write about on tumblr, but I always procrastinate the actual writing. Which is silly because I should enjoy writing, I do enjoy writing, but I guess it’s very easy to get distracted by the 10 seasons of Friends I have to finish or the many other TV shows I love or soccer or traveling or wine. I’m halfway through season 9 of friends, caught up with all my TV shows except Modern Family, and have prepped the rest of my travels and soccer experiences. So. Quite excited for the remaining month of my stay here in Paris but also very ready to go home.

The main thing I wanted to write about, and it’s been on my mind for a while, is being American. I was born in Canada. Vancouver, British Columbia to be precise. I moved to the US when I was 5, and I’ve lived in Michigan, Buffalo, Seattle, New Jersey, Los Angeles, and now New York City. Despite spending the last 16 years and counting of my life in America, I’ve never felt very American. In soccer, I cheer for Germany, then England or France. The USA doesn’t even cross my mind. In fact, I dislike American players for their unwillingness to play abroad and improve their skills; Landon Donavan still certainly has something to prove as he’s never spent more than a few months in Europe. In the Olympics, I cheer for China. I feel more Chinese than I do American, and I don’t like either of the “American” sports - baseball or American football.

The point is, I never felt very American. However, upon coming here, I was forced to reconsider. Everyone here, and I mean everyone, has labelled me as “so American.” Apparently it’s something in the way I talk, my attitude (probably the amount of “What the fuck is this” and “fuck that” and “that’s fucking bullshit, stupid Europeans” I do). My friends have decided that I’m pretty much the most American person they’ve ever met. Which, at first, was quite surprising to me. I don’t want to be a part of the bad American stereotype, the Americans that are arrogant and know nothing of the world and are uncultured. But, I think I just may be. I am quite arrogant, I believe that the American economy is by far the best (just look at the shithole otherwise currently known as the Eurozone right now), I love New York City, I love burgers and American Mexican food and all sorts of American things. So I’ve decided to embrace it. I’m not going to be ignorant or xenophobic at all, but I think it’s absolutely okay for me to be very American and to enjoy American things. After all, what’s wrong with believing in one’s country - I have an American passport, I’m going to work in America, hopefully my kids will grow up in America: I’m going to be an American through and through. I strongly believe in the American Dream, the same way many Europeans who criticize the American Dream believe in the Eurozone and the EU’s very own European ideal. So, from now on, I’ll be an American. And I hope I’ll be a better one than I was in the past. I’m not going to stop supporting Germany first, or China in the Olympics, but there’ll be a place for the USA as well. And I can give baseball and American football a chance, after all I’ll watch anything when I’m exercising or eating.

In Lisbon, somebody told me I look like Barack Obama when I speak. After letting that compliment sink in (and knowing it to be completely and utterly false; if I could be 1/100 of the speaker Obama is I’d die happy) I realized how immensely proud I am of our country. To elect someone based on hope, and all it stands for, regardless of the color of their skin or their religious beliefs, is something I am truly proud of America for. We can’t let that die. I am going to vote in the next election, (I’m not even registered now), and I am going to vote for Obama. The audacity of hope is exactly what the American Dream is. And I want to vote for that. It’s idealistic and a bit naive, but it’s what I want to believe in. If America can still believe in hope then we’re still the same country that built itself into the world’s greatest country in less than 300 years.

All that philosophical worldly crap aside, it’s been a quite few weeks for me. After Spain and Portugal, I feel ready to go home. Traveling has been one of the main attractions for me here in Europe, but honestly, I don’t feel as if I’m close enough to any of my study abroad friends to be able to travel with them in the same way that I traveled with Alex and Andrew and Josh. I think one of my biggest issues with meeting people is that it takes me a long time around people to really become comfortable with them to the fullest. I tried to work on that a bit with study abroad; when I first got to NYU I felt like I had no close friends as well and it really took me a while to settle in, but here I’m only in Paris for 3-4 months and there’s no time to settle in and I can’t force myself to jump into close friendships so that’s something to keep working on I guess. At least I’ve made more friends than the first time around and none of them are Asian! Proving I can still hang out with white people, no problemo! Haha.

Recruiting is coming up and I really really wish the market would turn around. Every day brings worse and worse news and more layoffs and shrinking investment banking operations and I just don’t know how I’m going to land a job. Which really worries me because I have significant student debt that I’m committed to paying off, as well as very clear goals in mind about how much money I want to make and why I want to make money. However, I’m now really beginning to consider the idea that finance may not be the long term career solution for me. In the beginning of college, I considered law school. Now, I’m really thinking that finance could just be a building block for me into entrepreneurship. Although I’m not the creative kind who could come up with a product, I know someone who is and I’ve set aside some time to really discuss some stuff with him because I don’t know if I can grind it out in finance for 20, 30 years. I’d love to do something fun like even owning a restaurant or bar would be amazing. So for now I’m considering the idea of using finance to build up a steady capital base for the future. We’ll see how those plans go. 

Anyways. I can’t think of much else I want to write and it’s time for bed.

october.

It’s been an insane month. I wanted to write entries after Oktoberfest, then after Chelsea, then after the Loire, and now tomorrow I’m heading off to Madrid. Unbelievable. I’ve only spent one weekend in October in Paris, the rest have all been about traveling and experiencing new things. Which has been amazing. 

Oktoberfest:

The first thing I learned at Oktoberfest is that I can’t drink for shit. At least not compared to these people. They are seriously insane. I think I handle myself pretty well with alcohol, but we were finished at 12:30. As in noon. We got to the tents at 7:30AM or so, and got in the doors a bit before 9, which is when they start serving. At 9AM sharp we had our first beers on the table, which come in 1 liter mugs so you know they mean business. By 12:30 we were all so wasted we stumbled outside and fell asleep on the closest park bench we could find. So much for lasting the whole day. But all in all it was an amazing time and I got to hang out with some NYU people and talk about NYU things, which is nice because I really miss NYU, especially the city and everything that it is. Also, got to see my first truly huge European stadium, the Allianz Arena which is just absolutely stunning. Beautiful arena and I really hope Chelsea find something like it, not to take anything away from Stamford Bridge, which is coming up next.

Chelsea 3-1 Everton, at Stamford Bridge:

What can I say. Most amazing 90 minutes of my life. I was only in London for the game, really, though I did a bit of touristy stuff the next day. But the game. Absolutely the best experience. The fans were amazing, my seats were AMAZING, the game was of course awesome because Chelsea won, and I got to see Drogs and Lamps and of course Captain Fantastic JT himself. I sat with the season ticket holders, so the real fans, and we sang Carefree, and Keep the Blue Flag Flying High, and a smattering of other songs. But I loved loved loved it. They were passionate and loud and energetic as any other fans I’ve seen on TV. Who says Chelsea boys aren’t loud and proud? Just a fantastic experience and I have to go back. I’ve already looked into going back on Dec. 6th for the final Champions League group game which is Valencia-Chelsea. Definitely going to do it.

The Loire Valley and my 20th birthday:

On my 20th birthday, when it struck midnight, I was in fact sharing a glass of wine with my landlord. It was nice and he wished me happy birthday and we watched the Eiffel Tower put on its hourly light show. Very Parisian and it embodied the spirit of my time here I think, much more relaxed and low key than NYC. However, of course on the night of my birthday I went to a big joint party with some other people and got trashed, as customary, and hit on some girl whose name I don’t even remember, and definitely may have come off a bit creepy. I hate me trying to talk to girls drunk without one of my really close friends around to keep me under wraps because I just get a little too forward and not in a good way I think. Anyways let’s not dwell on that.

The next day we went off to the Loire with my group for my wine class, just the 3 of us to stay with one of my group members’s families in Blois, which is smack in the middle of the Loire Valley region and a beautiful city. And we went straight off to the vineyards to interview the vignerons (winegrowers?), and first up was Philippe Tessier. I think the really amazing thing about the experience was that, for the first time, I tried a white wine that was truly out of this world amazing, and with all the depth of any wine I’ve ever had in my limited experiences. It was a very young wine, just 2009, but it was oaky and woody and almost had the quality of fine whiskey, which of course I loved. There were also wines with very strong hints of green apple, and of peppers and onions, and just lovely wines in general. I know I’ll be looking out for Philippe Tessier again the next time I shop for wines. It was great for me to finally taste a white wine and I think really realize that I really really like good white wine. Good red wine is okay, but I love good whites. And I think that they can have all the depth or at least the breadth of flavor that good reds do. Anyways. After that we had some very nice traditional French meals with my friend’s parents and then we launched into a debate about European politics and economy and also the overarching “Private vs Public debate.” It was perfect because there were 2 Americans (myself and one group member) and 2 Europeans (my 3rd group member and his girlfriend), so of course the Americans were arguing for privatization (healthcare, education, etc) and the Europeans were strongly against it. It was good to see the vastly different viewpoints they hold and just good to engage in a lively debate finally. I came to Sciences Po to expand my academic knowledge, partly, and I feel like the only class that has done that is this wine class! Interesting.

Tomorrow: Madrid then Lisbon

My Brazilian friend has already bought our tickets to see Atletico Madrid at the Vincente Calderon, which I have always read has one of the best atmospheres in La Liga, so I’m quite excited for that. I’m also looking forward to warm weather and sangria and port wine (which my Brazilian friend ruined by explaining to me how it’s not really from Porto.) So let’s head off into a new adventure!

But overall, I think I’m really really ready to go home. That’s not at all saying I’m depressed or upset with Paris in anyway, or even homesick really. I’m just READY to go home. It’ll be nice to be in Paris and in France in general a bit longer, I still have to go to a PSG game, and another Chelsea game, and then of course Italy (I think we are going to an Inter game!) but I’d be okay if I had to leave now to go home. I’m ready for home. I’m ready for, especially, my friends, who I really miss. I’m excited for our Mammoth trip together and just to see them in general. I also definitely miss NYC. If there’s one thing I’ve learned while abroad, it’s that New York is absolutely, 100%, the best city in the world. At least for me. Paris is not really my speed. It’s beautiful and it’s a great city, but I’m really a New Yorker. And I think everyone around me knows it. They all say that I’m such an American and such a New Yorker with my attitude and quirks. I live life at a faster pace than the French do, I think, and I like it that way. They don’t open anything on Sunday. Their subway closes at 1:30AM or even earlier. What is this world! I’ll take New York and 24 hour madness every time, I think. But I’ll enjoy my time here, and make the most of it. Paris is an amazing city. But New York is MY city.

I hope the remaining two months of this experience can be even better than the first two. And then back to the grind, getting a job, everything. This is just a little dream abroad. But I’m loving it. 

shots.

I haven’t had a SHOT of any hard liquor in over a month. What. The. Fuck.

Who am I?

I’m turning into a French snob that only drinks wine and beer. I need to remedy that. And soon.

the world of wine in france

This is probably the only class I’m genuinely excited to go to for the rest of the semester. While I enjoy economics and I’m interested in learning more, just to be a more educated person, I think I’ll learn far more in a subject completely different in my class entitled “The World of Wine in France.” 

I’m not a super classy person. Actually, I’m the opposite of classy. In fact, I don’t like when people try to be super classy and drink fancy things or try to put on airs. Fuck that. When we drink, we (I) go hard and even if it’s wine, it’s still about getting drunk. I saw a poster the other day, that said “Wine - How classy people get wasted.” I laughed and asked the person holding it where she bought it. She said New York City. Of course. I’m going to buy one of those when I get back and hang it proudly in my room. But for now, I want to be a bit more educated so I’ll keep an open mind and I’ll try to learn as much as possible.

The class looks amazing. The teacher really knows her shit; her husband works in the wine industry. And she’s not really a snob, although she thinks French wine is the best, she is still all for buying 6 euro bottles of wine; she said you can get great wine for 6 euros and you don’t have to like expensive wine, it’s to each their own and you might prefer a crisp white wine costing 6 euro (like I do) to a full bodied red costing 60 euro.  She’s really intense, and that’s because she’s passionate so I admire that. Part of the class includes both written and oral exposes on a subject related to wine, and we have to make trips to the wine regions of our choice to interview winemakers and such. My group’s region is the Loire Valley for our oral presentation, and for my written expose I think I’ll to the Champagne region just so I can experience something new (and get some bubbly!)

Hopefully I’ll come back knowing something about wine and that’ll be useful maybe in the future. I’m really here to learn, but I don’t think I’ll do too much of that in the classroom. I’m taking 2 econ courses, a marketing course, and French. I’m not sure how much I can learn from those but this will be the one class where I know nothing so I’ll learn a ton. I’m excited for it.

Also excited for the Champions League tonight! Chelsea-Leverkusen, Arsenal-Dortmund, Barca-Milan. Let’s get it Chelsea.

I also started planning Oktoberfest and now I’m so excited for it. It sounds like an amazing time after talking to my German friends, and they told me I have to buy liederhosen to wear (leather pants) but I think I will skip that part. 

Anyways. Let’s get drunk tonight and watch Chelsea tear Leverkusen a new one.

spoiler alert

I find it that when you like someone (especially if it’s romantically, but not necessarily), you tend to let all their flaws go. Especially if it’s someone who’s important to you.

But as soon as you stop liking that person, or they become less important to you, you start re-noticing all their flaws, or at least they begin to bother you until you more and more until you can’t stand it anymore. This has happened to me very recently. I find that I just don’t want to be around X anymore. It gets to the point where almost everything X does begins to bother me. It’s especially the way X talks that begins to bother me. Something about the way X says certain things or the way X attempts to make conversation has just become extremely annoying. It’s a pity but it’s the way it is. I don’t think I will be friends with X much longer, or at least not “real” friends… I can always pretend in order to be civil. 

The reason this post is entitled “spoiler alert” is because there is an episode of How I Met Your Mother where Ted is infatuated with a girl, who he thinks is perfect, until his friends “spoil” her for him - they tell him her flaw, and his image of her is shattered. I feel like that. I feel like as soon as I stopped considering X a close friend, X’s image was shattered in my mind. Everything X did before that I didn’t mind now bothers me to the point where I can’t be around X. 

This seems to always happen with girls I like who reject me. I begin to find every flaw I can in their personality so that I no longer like them. I guess it’s sort of a petty, immature defense mechanism. But it works. And at least I know it’s silly and childish. Haha. However, with the last girl I reallllllly liked, she rejected me, but I don’t dislike her. In fact I think I still like her a bit. But I know that ship has sailed so I have to get over it. I guess that could mean that the people I find reasons to dislike after getting rejected, I didn’t REALLY like so it’s fine! =)

Sidenote. Finally got the loser out of our apartment who’d been subletting from our roommate. He was a useless, disgusting slob who was a pathological liar and thought he was smarter than everyone, when in fact he’s a complete idiot. He lied, and thought that he could get away with it when I’d already checked all the facts and determined it was impossible for him to be telling the truth. Only when confronted with actual threats (police, fines) did he cave and admit to wrongdoing. I hate people who can’t admit they fucked up. If you screwed up, and I confront you about it, say sorry. Don’t try to fucking lie to me, you’re not nearly smart enough to outsmart me. I finally managed to scare him into moving out so I’m super happy. Though I had to spend 3 hours scrubbing his room, the living room, the kitchen, and the bathroom to make everything livable again. But it was amazing because now everything is so clean and I could finally cook for myself and it was sooooo good. =) 

I find cleaning cathartic sometimes, just sitting there scrubbing as hard as I could to get rid of the caked up dirt, and sweating because it’s hot and because cleaning is actually kind of tough when you’re cleaning away months of grime. Which made me realize, I don’t like it when people do things just on the surface. I had a friend who would offer to help me clean, and I thought it was so amazing and helpful. Until I just cleaned and realized this friend only scratched the surface and did the easiest things. It’s not hard to sweep and Swiffer a floor. It’s hard to get down on your knees and scrub in the places behind the toilet, or at the bottom of the shower where all the dirt and grime builds up. I realized my friend really never did much, it just appeared like an amazingly nice gesture. I sang the friend’s praises, but now I realize I did much more myself and what this friend did was nothing worth praising, really. My parents beat it into my head that I have to be able to do the dirty work before anyone will respect me. I’ve cleaned bathrooms for my parents before for hours on end, sitting there scrubbing the floors until they fucking shine. I’m not afraid of getting my hands dirty, at all. And although I hated it at the time, and I hated the way my parents handled it, I do appreciate it now because I feel like I can really do anything, I’m not too good for any task. Thanks mom.

End sidenote. Time for bed =)

assholes.

I used to think I was a nice guy. Back towards the beginning of high school, I really genuinely thought I was a nice guy. I thought I could never do any of the things that typical “assholes” do, like leading girls on, cheating on girls, etc. Any of those things.

Well it turns out I’ve done all of those things. And yet I still say I’m a nice guy. Maybe it’s time for me to just accept that really, I’m an asshole. I often act without any thought of what the consequences of my actions will be. Even worse, I often act knowing full well nothing good can come of it, yet I do it anyways. What is this self-destructive, asshole-ish streak in me? Where did it come from? I used to be such a “good” guy. Completely non-threatening in any way. And then somehow I became someone with the ability to hurt people. And I hurt plenty of people. 

I guess I can say that I never really realized, and I still haven’t really realized, that my actions can definitely hurt people I don’t intend to hurt. I know full well I can hurt people if I try, but it seems that even when I’m not trying, I can hurt people. I often float along without any sort of direction or purpose. And apparently, even that decision can hurt people. The inability to stand for what is right is just as bad as the propagation of evil. I guess that makes me quite a terrible person. 

I think, in the end, it comes down to being honest with myself about the consequences of my actions. I’m not in high school anymore. I can’t act like the things I do won’t affect the people around me. Someone told me that. That person was absolutely right. I am really quite weak when it comes down to making the right decisions. What is right is not always what is easy. I think I need to remember that.